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Hiding….

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Yes, hiding. I’m hiding in the bathroom. Not from a specific person or thing, just from life. I haven’t written a thing since my last post. I already felt weak and powerless feeling with everything around me, and this just adds insult to injury. My hubby still can’t walk or really do anything for that matter. He’s been really kinda mean if I’m being honest. But… I expected that. You take a man, that’s used to hard work, riding, driving, living, and showering and take his leg and there’s bound to be some contention. I am an introvert tho, so this has been an exceptionally hard time for me and I fear no one truly understands but another introvert. Add to that, I’ve been kinda depressed lately. Something I will only admit to you, my followers. (I promise to mention it at my next Dr’s visit.) It had started before the accident, but that event shifted it into high gear. It’s been really bad. I’ll just leave it at that for now. But it does feel good to write. So maybe I’m on the mend after all. Thanks for listening!

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Lanie💋

Lanie 💋

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The Aftermath…

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How do I move forward?

silent tears

I have no clue. I seem to be…..just going through the motions. My heart and mind have yet to catch up to the reality of the situation.

He’s in constant pain. He can’t walk. He can barely stand. He cannot go to the bathroom or get dressed. He can’t even eat properly. He’s a lefty, and his entire left side is compromised as well as his right.  And I am powerless.

I guess there comes a time in each marriage where you will be tested. If this is indeed true, This. Is. My. Test.

I think I’m doing pretty well, considering.

Considering that I can’t really do a thing to help him. He’s my husband and all I can do, is make sure he takes his various medications(which he hates), try to feed him, bathe and dress him. I can’t truly alleviate his pain, nor can I really get him comfortable. Aside from failing when it comes to your children, I can’t think of a worse feeling than not being able to help your spouse during a time such as this.

Let me just say,  I know that he was the one in the accident.Trust me, no one knows that better than I.

He doesn’t remember the 10-15 minutes leading up to the crash. He only briefly recalls a moment where he guesses he was in the ambulance and he kept asking them, “What happened?”.  Then, he saw my face in the trauma center, well over 2 hours later. So yeah, while he was actually in the accident, I am the one reliving it, almost every night. I keep hearing the woman tell me that my husband is lying in the street. Everyday, I can hear him making me promise not to cry and to “stay strong for the kids”.

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My heart just about jumps out of my chest every time he winces or howls in pain. I am continually having headaches. I can’t focus on anything. I’m having a rough time helping all 4 of the kids get caught up with alllllllll of the school work they  missed the week of the accident. I’m also trying to figure out how I will manage the bills now that he can’t work for GOD knows how long.  This means no income. And now… Christmas is creeping up on us. It’s really a lot.

I pray, I eat, I shower. Not necessarily in that order.

I take care of him as best as I can and try not to let the kids see me in a state of weakness. But inside…….Never mind.

GOD knows that I am so grateful that he’s alive! It could’ve been much, much worse. He life was truly spared that night. It’s officially been a month, but it still seems like it was just yesterday.

How do I move forward?? I don’t know, I just move.

Lanie

 

 

Family of 6 in need/tragic accident by Melanie Lee – GoFundMe

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What am I supposed to do??

I am currently sitting in my husband’s hospital room at UF Shand’s in Jacksonville, FL.

My kids are at my mom’s till the morning, then going to my uncle’s.

My husband is sedated.

I am hurt, scared and pissed.

Source: Family of 6 in need/tragic accident by Melanie Lee – GoFundMe

This is a True Story BTW…..

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I need help….

BOLO*BOLO*
Family and friends,
BOLO*BOLO*
Someone T-Boned my husband, Ricky Lee, while he was on his motorcycle at Atlantic Blvd & I-295 on Saturday, November 7, 2015 at around 11:15 pm. It was a hit and run and below, are a few photos of a SILVER NISSAN PATHFINDER. I’m not sure it’s the correct year or body, but I’m desperate. Someone hit my husband and left him for dead in the middle of the road. They took no consideration that he has a wife, kids, an entire family that this would effect! The only description we have from witnesses was, “SILVER SUV (POSSIBLY A NISSAN PATHFINDER)” So If anyone in the area (Jacksonville, Florida) happens to see a vehicle like this or similar to it with damage to the front end please contact me(inbox for number if you don’t have it) or JSO(904-630-0500). We need a license plate, driver description, something to go on. Please.find

path

https://www.gofundme.com/rf9mmhjf

I Almost Lost Him…….

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On Saturday, November 8, 2015, my husband was involved in a hit and run accident.

I almost died when I heard this!

I couldn’t believe my ears. There’s no how-to book on how to react when you recieve some of the worse news of your life. What’s worse, is that he wasn’t even supposed to be right there at that time.

It was because of me.

It was my idea. I had been begging to go to the Jacksonville Agricultural Fair, every year for the last 4 years. But every time it came to town, something would come up and we wouldn’t be able to go. So this year, I was bound and determined not to miss it. Add to this, the girls had had an amazing first quarter of school, had avoided getting grounded and in fact, Mekayla, the baby girl had excelled! She was the first student of the month!

That sealed it!

We were going to the fair! Dad made special plans to buy early bird, mega passes for us all at a discounted rate. Once those were purchased, there was no turning back.

Dad had a bike club event to attend on this particular Saturday. Being a prospect meant he had to be there. This was fine by me! The club had proven to really be one of brotherhood and peacekeeping and helping out the unfortunate.

So, the kids and I hopped on the number 10 bus at around 1:20p.m. on a journey that would leave us all shaken.

He was supposed to meet us.

We were waiting for 4 o’clock. Dad said he was coming to ride kiddie rides with Kay. This would leave me and Lina (the resident dare devils) free to ride the “big girl” rides. Alas, the club fundraiser went overtime. So we didn’t see him till around 6. Which meant two things.

1) I didn’t get to ride anything “real”rides until he got there.

2) When he got there, it was getting dark, so I had to hurry and ride what I could before our bus left.

So I  got a bit upset that our big rides had to be rushed and I refused to leave before I rode a few particular ones.

But it wasn’t to be.

Before we knew it, it was 9:00 and we had to go! We half ran/half speed walked back to the bus station with dad circling each block before and after us, checking for safety. After all, we were downtown at 9pm. Pretty creepy….

We finally make it to the station, only to realize the bus we were planning on catching had already left. Which meant we now had to catch two buses when we’re originally wouldn’t only needed one.

We did not have an extra $7.50 for a second bus.

This turns out to be where the trouble began. He was initially supposed to meet up with the club after the fair for a special ceremony honoring his crossing over to full fledged member. Instead, Dad decides to ride ahead home and get the extra money we needed and meet us where the first bus would be dropping us off. He is on a motorcycle. And a trip that is going to take us almost an hour would take him 30 minutes. (Not speeding by the way.)

As the kids and I are on the bus, I look at my phone to see just how much time has passed and realize that my phone’s battery is getting dangerously low. I decided then, to try and reach dad and let him know the approximate time we’d be arriving and also to tell him my phone would probably be dead before we got there.

A woman answered his phone!

She began to say the words I had been dreading every since he got that bike.

“Ma’am, I don’t know who he is to you, but I just picked up his phone, someone has hit him and he’s lying in the street.”

My mouth dropped and all I heard was “lying in the street” over and over in my head. Not knowing that I’m yelling,”No, no, no, please don’t tell me that!”

I completely forgot the kids were with me, all I could think was, “Please GOD, don’t take him from me.”

I heard her say the street name and it was at this precise moment that my phone died.

Yes, I flipped out! On the bus, with the kids, in front of all those strangers.

But I pulled it together long enough to see that I had scared the crap out of my babies.  Everyone was crying except Kay.

So I dried my tears, tried to explain what I had heard in the gentlest way possible…. FYI, there is no gentle way. I apologized constantly for scaring them and encouraged them to pray with me for dad. We did and then I asked (pretty sure I screamed) for someone to please let me borrow a phone. I called a ride to met us at our stop and they did. They took us to where the scene was, going to see dad, but he was gone. Mind you, when I didn’t see anything except a totaled bike, I really did think he was gone….

Being Beyond Tired….

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I had a plan.

The sleepiness is real!
The sleepiness is real!

I planned on writing for a few hours each day this week and then taking my daily mom nap, but it was not to be. There was an activity at both the middle and elementary schools, everyday this past week. I had to pick and choose between them all, one a day. Then, my baby girl got sick as soon as the weekend rolled in. (And she still is.) Believe me when I say, I am well past tired. She’ll be at home till Wednesday, so please keep her in your prayers and thanks for being patient with me.

I’m No Daddy’s Girl

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fatherless

Dear dad,

Thank you.

Thank you for showing me,

Exactly how not to be.

Thanks for the example,

Of a never present force.

Thanks for being my first lesson,

In crying till I go hoarse.

Thank you,

For never being by my side,

For pushing me into the arms

Of men that made me cry.

I want to thank you,

For leaving my mom in a lurch.

For making her raise me all alone

While you sang for the church.

Thank you.

For leaving her to find a man,

who she loved more than me

Thank you? I don’t think I can.

You left.

You took one look at me

And I took your breath.

You ran into the arms of another,

That was beginning of my death.

That was my end,

You didn’t even look back.

We’re 5 months apart

How do you think I feel about that?

I’m the outcast,

I’m the first,

The secret.

If all you have is pity love,

Don’t bother,

You can keep it.

But….

I deserve a dad,

Every kids does.

I know it.

You said you loved me,

But guess what?

Show it.

My kids see this,

Your only Grand-kids,

Now they know.

How it feels

When someone says

They love you

And then just like that, they’re gone.

Thanks dad,

Your record, is impeccable!

You walk around your fancy church

With your new family

All respectable.

If only they knew.

Your wife would probably flip.

For the whole church to know about that one time that you slipped.

Oops!

Lanie