Our First Father’s Day: A Poem by Lanie Lee
The day I found you and you saw me,
I was all grown up,
I didn’t know what to expect,
You were happy,
I guess I was in luck!
I had mixed emotions,
Like, was I hurting my mom?
But what about me?
I need things to be resolved.
I had anger in my heart,
Pain and fear,
Maybe you couldn’t stand the thought of me,
Didn’t want me near.
So, at first, I let the newness,
Just take me away.
Let it all sink in,
Take it day by day.
But how do I deny,
These questions inside?
The way I feel inside,
These feelings I must hide.
Happy and sad,
Both, all at once,
It felt like a hug,
And it seems like a punch.
Expressing my feelings,
In words? I don’t do.
Out of my mouth?
No, its hard to..
Give me a pen, some paper,
And you will soon see,
I can be an open book.
My thoughts, no mystery.
I’m not quite sure,
From where it came.
Could it be, possibly,
You are the same?
So many questions.
So little time.
I regret what we’ve missed.
All that loss, mine.
I needed my dad.
Growing up, it was rough.
But, I guess not having you,
In its own way, made me tough.
The ones that were present,
Taught me a lot,
How to be a good person.
But…mostly, how not.
Once, I was angry,
I couldn’t understand why.
Why you weren’t around
There were times I almost died.
You wouldn’t have known,
You wouldn’t have heard,
Wouldn’t have been at my funeral,
Never spoken a word.
I don’t know my family,
There was always this void.
Now you’re at my fingertips.
My heart is overjoyed!
I know it’s a lot.
I know it’s going to take time,
But just as you’re their father,
You are also…mine.
Actually, I was the first,
Just to be clear,
Even though you were far,
Our blood was always near.
This life has been cruel,
Unfair to say the least,
Dad, for me…
Love was always just out of reach.
I guess I went through,
That period in life,
Trying to fill that lonely void.
That is…Until God made me Rick’s wife.
God sent him to me,
At just the right time.
My world was crumbling,
I was loosing my mind.
You were gone,
And If I am to be true,
Mom wasn’t really there either,
I can’t just blame you.
I’ve learned how to love,
From how he’s loved me.
In spite of my faults,
In spite of me.
I’m a parent now,
And it’s hard to believe,
You saw me as a baby,
and still chose to leave.
That’s the story I got,
But you know how it goes.
Three sides to every story,
I’m waiting for yours.
I never want to pressure you,
Never want to intrude or pry,
But in my mind,
You were never, “Just some guy”.
I always said the phrase,
“I want my daddy!”
And always I was met with,
“He didn’t want you. You ain’t happy?”
I kind of resented my siblings,
All 3 girls and my brother.
While all of them had both parents,
I barely had a mother.
Granted, I was headstrong.
Liked to have my way.
But I used to fantasize, If you were there
I would’ve had an ally,
You would’ve seen things my way.
I’ve always felt like,
I drew the short straw.
Always having the least of everything,
Your presence most of all.
I’ve often wondered, where I got this voice..
Mom can’t carry a tune.
I wondered if you knew how to cook,
Mom taught me to use a spoon.
I’ve wondered if my grandmother was nice,
If she made homemade ice cream..
If my grandfather laughed a lot.
If he did, did he cry like me?
How many 1st cousins do I have?
Do they even know I exist?
Or am I just, “That accident”,
Mention me at your own risk?
Not knowing why..
Not knowing how.
Missing you then,
Still missing you now.
Now that I’ve found you,
I want us to be free.
Free to call, to text…
Free for you to be happy to see me!
I believe you are,
But something feels off..
I’m not, “The other woman”,
No need to be run off.
I deserve the love of my dad,
My kids deserve their Grandpa!
I’d like to know my Step-Mom,
My kids, Their other Grandma.
I want to be a big sister,
I’ve missed them all my life!
I’m already a proud mother,
Already a blessed and happy wife.
I no longer want to be a secret,
A shadow child no one knows.
I want to be your eldest daughter,
After all, it is my rightful role.
This Father’s Day,
I wanted to do…
From me to you.
But all I could think was that,
NO card could say what I feel,
No, not a one,
It had to be…..real.
Well Dad, this is as real as it gets.
You’re my dad, and I love You!
Maybe next year,
one of those store cards will fit.
If you’ve held on this long and are still faithfully following LifeAccordingToLanie, you are truly a fan and I love you!!!
Hi Y’all!! I’m so excited to be writing again!
I want to take a moment thank everyone who has liked any of my posts! Even if it was just one!!Thank you soooo much!!!
And to everyone that has taken a leap and decided to follow LifeAccordingtoLanie, a million thanks!!
Seriously! You give me a reason and motivation to keep writing! I started this blog with the greatest of intentions.
Me when I started: “Yeah! I’m gonna write everyday! I have so much to tell!!”
Yeah….well, I think it’s safe to say, that life is getting a really good laugh at me right about now. It’s been a tough couple of years, but I’m determined to bounce back.
“I want to go back to being my happy, energetic, cheerful, lighthearted and just plain mellowed out self.”
I’ve learned a lot though, during all of this turmoil.
For one, I’ve learned that I love myself more than I thought. I figured that out during a very emotional moment….and it’s both true and okay. If I don’t love and value myself, if I don’t learn to make me a priority, how can I truly expect someone else to?
I’ve also learned, that while I don’t want to be lonely, I am perfectly fine being alone. This is actually something that I already knew, but since getting married and having kids, I thought that I’d positively perish if I didn’t have them. During a desperate moment, a couple of months ago, I was faced with a difficult decision and initially, I was terrified at the choice I had to make. But, in my anger and hurt, I realized that I would indeed survive. I’m in charge of my own happiness and I have to stand up for myself, to everyone, not just strangers, family and friends too.
All this learning gave me plenty of sad and tearfully sleepless nights, let me tell ya. And this was all on top of all of my other issues. (Read-back a few posts..)
So, what’s new?
Well, I’ve gotten myself a job for starters!! Yay me!!!
Lord knows it was hard getting back in the groove after 6 years of being a stay-at-home mom, but I think that I’ve adjusted pretty well.
I’m also working on getting my license! Yes, my driver’s license. Don’t judge me. Living in Florida, we had all types of transportation. Plus, where we lived, everything was in walking distance, so I really didn’t need a license. Out here in these Georgia sticks, I definitely need to be able to drive around. I literally have to go to the next town to go to Walmart. I work in another city too! So, I’m going to remedy that issue very soon!
Most recently, I’ve stepped up my cake baking game!!! I’m killin’ it in the kitchen!
I’ll add pics of my latest creations!!! I still have 3 more birthdays coming up! Fingers crossed. It seems like each cake is a bit harder than the last. Probably my own fault….I see it as a challenge, and I’m ready!
I will tell you something that I do NOT miss from when I was working before, paying bills! Ugh…you work 2 long weeks only to get your check and notice that the government has gutted you. Then, you have to pay the utility bills, phone bill, and don’t forget to pay back any money you may have borrowed. The kids need things. ALWAYS!!! I need things, and the girls specifically need more things. Then, there’s household stuff!
Omg! I mean, C’mon!!! Then, if I plan on getting a meal in at work, it has to be something handy and super quick, cause “Ain’t No Breaks”! So I’m either bringing my Propel water, fruit snacks and chips or I foolishly buy something from work. Meaning, I just got paid, and now I’m giving it right back to them, only to be taxed yet again…..It’s a never-ending circle.
I complain, but it is a lot better having some income, instead of no income at all. So, thank you JESUS for the job.
Now, we’re looking for a new place. That within itself is proving to be a major pain.
We need a place secluded enough for privacy, within close range to work and close enough to stay in the same school district. I’d really like to avoid moving the kids to a different school, yet again, so please send your prayers our way!
I’m gonna sign off for now, with the hope of getting back to you sooner rather than later!
Good night all!
Everyone has a breaking point. Everyone!! No matter how much you love them or they say they love you, there is something they can say or do that will possibly make them leave you.
In a romantic relationship, for some, its cheating. It could also be some form of abuse. With a family relationship, your mom could give to a certain sibling more than she gives to you, or dad may always spend more time with him. Whatever the case may be, there’s always an invisible line you just shouldn’t push or cross. As adults, you should probably take notice to any hints as to what may set your loved one off.
Unless you don’t really give a flying fruit loop….in which case, you may continue to be an a**hole and take the possible butt-kicking you deserve.
On this journey called Life, I have found that I am pretty strong. Mentally, as well as physically. I have also learned that I also have a very soft heart. So, what these realizations have revealed to me, is that while my body can take a licking and keep on ticking(childbirth for example), my heart simply cannot. I am easily hurt.
But….only by those whom I love the most and who are supposed to love me back.
So, for instance, my mom and I didn’t really get along until I was around 30. It was because, for years, starting when I was around 9, I always felt that I was a last priority to her. I was the first-born and the only girl and I knew in my heart, that she wished I hadn’t been born. I won’t get into why I felt this way, those were my feelings then, I’m trying to leave them back there in the past. But, back to my point. The pain I felt from her was horrible and it was mainly because she was my mother and certain things were expected of her.
Now, as a married woman, I expect certain things from my husband. One of those things, is that I expect him not to purposely hurt me. Be it physically, mentally or emotionally. It shouldn’t hurt. You promised me, in front of GOD and my Grandpa George, that you would take care of me, love and cherish me, so you damn well better!!! But….if he doesn’t…When is enough, enough?
The good days should out weigh the bad and my smiles should overshadow any tears.
If the above is not the case, who decides when it’s over, or at the very least, when it’s time for a break? Your mind may tell you to, “Get the heck outta dodge!” But what if your heart says, “Wait, things will get better. He didn’t mean it.” When do you tell your stupid, mushy, head over heels in love heart, to just shut the hell up and run for your life!? I know it has to be a hard decision.
The one and only answer that I’ve found thus far, is that your heart will know. Your heart will know when you’ve had enough. It will know when it’s time for a breather. Whether the “break” will be permanent or not, will depend on that ol’ trusty brain of yours.
So, get out there! Love good and love hard, but when you hear your heart arguing with your brain, take a moment and listen in. It may be trying to save your life.
One thing you should know about me is, I do not forget much. Now, this can be a good thing, but more often than not, it’s bad. I have lived through so much in these 35 years and one thing I have always been able to count on, is my memory. In spite of all the stuff (cough,cough) I did as a teenager, I still remember. I’m realizing now, that having a memory like mine is not all it’s cracked up to be, especially when you’re married. I mean, it’s hard enough being married and making it through the regular trials without remembering everything that was done wrong to me.
I remember it all. Every word, every argument, every hurt feeling, everything.
Add to that, the fact that I’m usually the optimist, I always try to find the good in people and situations. So, when something bad happens, it tends to stick out like a sore thumb.
For the past 6 years, I have been learning how to forgive, but forgetfulness still eludes me. I can forgive till I’m blue in the face. If someone says, “I’m sorry”, I will automatically say, “I forgive you”. If only forgetting was so easy. It’s not, not at all.
I can forgive you for slapping me in the face, if perhaps I’ve said something that you don’t like but I’ll never forget the sting of your hand as it went across my cheek . I can forgive you for lying about being interested in another person but I would never forget the heartache of knowing that you lied to me about it. I can forgive you for purposely insulting me by implying that I would ever be unfaithful, but I would never forget the hate in your eyes as you accuse me. I can forgive you for not trusting me, that all of our children are biologically yours, but I can never forget the way you treated those innocent children because of your distrust. I can forgive you for being insecure and therefore, constantly accusing me of looking for someone else, but I would never forget the guilt and shame you made me feel everyday if I even tried to look nice or I decide to go to work early to be proactive and actually trying to live a normal life. I can forgive you for almost anything but I could never forget the hurt and pain caused by you.
So, I guess what I’m wondering is, have I truly forgiven? I believe so, because I have indeed forgiven you in my heart. God says that I should continue to forgive over and over and over. So what happens, when the hurt, pain and unforgettable memories far outweigh the forgiveness, what is a person to do?
I am, after all, only human.
My feelings should matter and if most of my memories of you are mostly bad memories, when do you walk away?
First off, forgive me. I’ve been totally M.I.A. It’s not you, it’s me. Seriously. I have not been in the writing mood, at all. Not that I don’t have anything to write about, trust me, I have tons to go on and on about. It’s just that the mood has to hit me, like right now. So…to catch up:
And….Happy New Year! I guess.
Okay, so here’s the thing…..I’m not happy, neither does this seem like a “new year. It seems like the same ol’ crap different day. Actually…to quote myself, what I said was,
Happy New Year? Feels more like December 32nd!
That’s truly how I feel. It’s been one confrontation after another. If it’s not me being dizzy or tired(from my medication, no, I’m not expecting), it’s dealing with my husband, who since what I’m now officially calling, THE BIG BANG, has not been the same. Then there’s the kids….my beautiful, sweet, smart and loving children. Their bodies seem to have been invaded by some sarcastic, rolling eyed, talking back creatures from the blue lagoon. Then, trying to be the voice of reason between a teenager and a pre-teen and their dad, who is suffering from a form of PTSD…..let’s just say that I’m pretty sure I ran outta rope somewhere around the 4th of JULY! A massage, long bubbling soak, good book(with no pictures please) and an even better bottle of wine are long overdue. I have a journal that I’ll probably go into more detail about some things…but for now it feels good to just be here, taking my frustrations out on the keyboard.
Nothing prepares you for life.
No matter what school you attend, what parents you get stuck with or what you church you attend(or don’t), life happens and you’ll never be fully prepared for its ups and downs. If someone would’ve told me that my life would be like this right now, I would’ve laughed…or cried, depending on who was telling me. I can’t seem to find my footing. I promise it’s like I was the one to get flung of that motorcycle and I can’t get my feet back underneath me. I’m crawling through life, rolling over speed bumps as they appear. And I do mean appear.
It’s like one moment I can be in complete bliss. Smiling, laughing like the world just may be okay, even though I can’t stand, then it’ll be like BAM!! Someone or something just comes out of nowhere and kicks me while I’m already down. And what hurts the most, is that moving out here to the country, we’re surrounded by nothing but family. His family, but still family all the same. So, it always hurts worse when it’s someone close to you that causes the upset.
My turmoil of feelings does not discriminate.
I don’t know why some people are convinced that children can’t hurt an adult….if it’s your child (grandchild, niece/nephew or sibling for that matter), you’re almost guaranteed a few tears over something they say or do. But…they are children, so I tend to move on from it a lot quicker than if it was say, my husband, mom or mother-in-law.
Those are the big blows. How you can be so careless with your words, especially with someone you’re supposed to have this awesome amount of love for is beyond me. As a writer, I don’t talk too much(Shut up! No I don’t!), but when I do, I think of every word before I say it. I let it play over in my mind for inflection….and I consider how my words will alter my future. I’ve learned that words, once spoken, cannot be unspoken. And, I’m not talking about things said in anger. These words, while hurtful, are said at a time of distress and to me, is understandable. But those other words you say, not hot in battle, but cold and calculated in the winter of an intense conversation…things you just say out of pride…out of some innate sense to just want to hurt the other person. The words you’ve been thinking of for weeks, but didn’t have the guts to bring up in a mature conversation., those are the murderers.
They slowly attack the heart the way they say high blood pressure and diabetes is a silent killer. You may not see it on the outside, but the damage is occurring under the surface. You slowly stop talking. First, in the evil conversation that spawned such hateful words, and then your words die down altogether. Then there’s nothing. No talking, no eye contact, no ….nothing. And then the conductor of that hateful tirade train, wonders, “What have I done?” or “What did I say that was so horrible?” And then….there are the ones the conductors work for. They’re the worst. They have the audacity to think things like, “Forget that!” ” They’ll get over it!” “Shoot, that’s how I see it and you can’t tell me I’m wrong!” Oh, and my favorite(NOT!), “You think I’m crazy? What do I have to apologize for? You shouldn’t do things to make me think like that!”
Point is, I’m emotionally dull right now. I cannot find the excitement to celebrate a new year that feels like the continuation of the previous one. I can’t even pretend to be in a good mood. My smile tells on me. Don’t even get me started on my telling eyes.
But, I will wish everyone else the customary “Happy New Year!” I do wish for everyone’s 2017 to exceed their wishes, hopes and dreams. I pray your 2017 is 100 times better than 2016, mine too. I just can’t make a toast about it right now.
Until next time…..
Pfft! I am a fool. Really, I am. I had really convinced myself that the worst was over. I was like, “Yeah, hubby’s healing”…..yada yada yada, “Hopefully things will get back to normal soon.” Blah, blah, blah! I fooled myself good! Bet I didn’t fool you. You all knew about the sinkholes I was about to fall into, didn’t you!? Well, why on God’s green Earth didn’t someone warn me?
I would’ve liked to know ahead of time about the dibilatating memory loss, the blindsiding mood swings, the deep sense of helplessness and the crushing anger!
It’s so hard….so very hard on everyone. No, this isn’t a selfish, (ME-ME-ME!) post. Well, not all of it. I see it taking a toll on him. He’s always so angry. Angry about what he can no longer do, and how he thinks it makes me feel. It doesn’t take much to set him off, or any of us for that matter. I feel like I’m constantly at bat, swinging at everyone’s issues. There’s no time outs and I continue to strike out. I try to be the peacekeeper, but what happens when the peacekeeper isn’t peaceful?
Chaos!! That’s what.
There’s a reason I haven’t written in so long….
Life currently sucks!
Truthfully, I’m only writing now because I can’t sleep and I’m officially sick of t.v. I have come to realize that no one really wants to hear about your poor, sad life…that is of course, unless they want to spread the news around like the plague. Then, everyone you see after that, are both feeling sorry for you and mocking you at the same time.
So yes, I’ve been incommunicado.
To my fans, haters and creepy stalkers, please forgive me. You deserve so much more than this. I shall proceed to take my happy pills and start over.
Boy! Life can really be a doozy. These past 3+ months have been seriously hectic, but I’m crawling my way out of this slump. My hubby’s mandatory 3 month recovery period was technically up…..9 days ago. So now, we just have extensive x-rays and other examinations coming up that will hopefully give us some good news. Fingers crossed that he’ll walk again.
On another note, I’ve recently begun volunteering with our after-school, homework help program on Mondays. It has proven to be very therapeutic. Not only does it get me out of the house and away from my crazy routine, but it also gives my two little ones(5 and 8) a chance to study with other kids from their school in a different and safe environment. So far so good.
I’ have definitely had a few rough patches here lately……I’m not going there. I will just say that I’m feeling much better about life in general. I just had to realize that my feelings were natural and warranted considering all I had been through. I had to be okay with myself first, before anything else going on would be okay.