Month: July 2017

Our First Father’s Day: A Card for My Dad

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Our First Father’s Day: A Poem by Lanie Lee

 

The day I found you and you saw me,

I was all grown up,

I didn’t know what to expect,

You were happy,

I guess I was in luck!

 

I had mixed emotions,

Like, was I hurting my mom?

But what about me?

I need things to be resolved.

 

I had anger in my heart,

Pain and fear,

Maybe you couldn’t stand the thought of me,

Didn’t want me near.

 

So, at first, I let the newness,

Just take me away.

Let it all sink in,

Take it day by day.

 

But how do I deny,

These questions inside?

The way I feel inside,

These feelings I must hide.

 

Happy and sad,

Both, all at once,

It felt like a hug,

And it seems like a punch.

 

Expressing my feelings, 

In words? I don’t do.

Out of my mouth?

No, its hard to..

 

Give me a pen, some paper,

And you will soon see,

I can be an open book.

My thoughts, no mystery.

 

I’m not quite sure,

From where it came.

Could it be, possibly,

You are the same?

 

So many questions.

So little time.

I regret what we’ve missed.

All that loss, mine.

 

I needed my dad.

Growing up, it was rough.

But, I guess not having you,

In its own way, made me tough.

 

The ones that were present,

Taught me a lot,

How to be a good person.

But…mostly, how not.

 

Once, I was angry,

I couldn’t understand why.

Why you weren’t around

There were times I almost died.

 

You wouldn’t have known,

You wouldn’t have heard,

Wouldn’t have been at my funeral,

Never spoken a word.

 

I don’t know my family,

There was always this void.

Now you’re at my fingertips.

My heart is overjoyed!

 

I know it’s a lot.

I know it’s going to take time,

But just as you’re their father,

You are also…mine.

 

Actually, I was the first,

Just to be clear,

Even though you were far,

Our blood was always near.

 

This life has been cruel,

Unfair to say the least,

Dad, for me…

Love was always just out of reach.

 

I guess I went through,

That period in life,

Trying to fill that lonely void.

That is…Until God made me Rick’s wife.

 

God sent him to me,

At just the right time.

My world was crumbling,

I was loosing my mind.

 

You were gone,

And If I am to be true,

Mom wasn’t really there either,

I can’t just blame you.

 

I’ve learned how to love,

From how he’s loved me.

In spite of my faults,

In spite of me.

 

I’m a parent now,

And it’s hard to believe,

You saw me as a baby,

and still chose to leave.

 

That’s the story I got,

But you know how it goes.

Three sides to every story,

I’m waiting for yours.

 

I never want to pressure you,

Never want to intrude or pry,

But in my mind,

You were never, “Just some guy”.

 

I always said the phrase,

“I want my daddy!”

And always I was met with,

“He didn’t want you. You ain’t happy?”

 

I kind of resented my siblings,

All 3 girls and my brother.

While all of them had both parents,

I barely had a mother.

 

Granted, I was headstrong.

Liked to have my way.

But I used to fantasize, If you were there

I would’ve had an ally,

You would’ve seen things my way.

 

I’ve always felt like,

I drew the short straw.

Always having the least of everything,

Your presence most of all.

 

I’ve often wondered, where I got this voice..

Mom can’t carry a tune.

I wondered if you knew how to cook,

Mom taught me to use a spoon.

 

I’ve wondered if my grandmother was nice,

If she made homemade ice cream..

If my grandfather laughed a lot.

If he did, did he cry like me?

 

How many 1st cousins do I have?

Do they even know I exist?

Or am I just, “That accident”,

Mention me at your own risk?

 

Not knowing why..

Not knowing how.

Missing you then,

Still missing you now.

 

Now that I’ve found you,

I want us to be free.

Free to call, to text…

Free for you to be happy to see me!

 

I believe you are,

But something feels off..

I’m not, “The other woman”,

No need to be run off.

 

I deserve the love of my dad,

My kids deserve their Grandpa!

I’d like to know my Step-Mom,

My kids, Their other Grandma.

 

I want to be a big sister,

I’ve missed them all my life!

I’m already a proud mother,

Already a blessed and happy wife.

 

I no longer want to be a secret,

A shadow child no one knows.

I want to be your eldest daughter,

After all, it is my rightful role.

 

This Father’s Day,

I wanted to do…

Something meaningful,

From me to you.

 

But all I could think was that,

NO card could say what I feel,

No, not a one,

It had to be…..real.

 

Well Dad, this is as real as it gets.

You’re my dad, and I love You!

Maybe next year,

one of those store cards will fit.

I’m Back!!! And You Were Missed!!

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If you’ve held on this long and are still faithfully following LifeAccordingToLanie, you are truly a fan and I love you!!!

Hi Y’all!! I’m so excited to be writing again!

I want to take a moment thank everyone who has liked any of my posts! Even if it was just one!!Thank you soooo much!!!

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And to everyone that has taken a leap and decided to follow LifeAccordingtoLanie, a million thanks!!

Seriously! You give me a reason  and motivation to keep writing!  I started this blog with the greatest of intentions.

Me when I started: “Yeah! I’m gonna write everyday! I have so much to tell!!”

Yeah….well, I think it’s safe to say, that life is getting a really good laugh at me right about now. It’s been a tough couple of years, but I’m determined to bounce back.

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“I want to go back to being my happy, energetic, cheerful, lighthearted and just plain mellowed out self.”

 

I’ve learned a lot though, during all of this turmoil.  

For one, I’ve learned that I love myself more than I thought.  I figured that out during a very emotional moment….and it’s both true and okay.  If I don’t love and value myself, if I don’t learn to make me a priority, how can I truly expect someone else to?

I’ve also learned, that while I don’t want to be lonely, I am perfectly fine being alone.  This is actually something that I already knew, but since getting married and having kids, I thought that I’d positively perish if I didn’t have them. During a desperate moment, a couple of months ago, I was faced with a difficult decision and initially, I was terrified at the choice I had to make.  But, in my anger and hurt, I realized that I would indeed survive.  I’m in charge of my own happiness and I have to stand up for myself, to everyone, not just strangers, family and friends too.

All this learning gave me plenty of sad and tearfully sleepless nights, let me tell ya. And this was all on top of all of my other issues. (Read-back a few posts..)

So, what’s new?

Well, I’ve gotten myself a job for starters!! Yay me!!!

Lord knows it was hard getting back in the groove after 6 years of being a stay-at-home mom, but I think that I’ve adjusted pretty well.  

I’m also working on getting my license!  Yes, my driver’s license. Don’t judge me. Living in Florida, we had all types of transportation. Plus, where we lived, everything was in walking distance, so I really didn’t need a license. Out here in these Georgia sticks, I definitely need to be able to drive around.  I literally have to go to the next town to go to Walmart.  I work in another city too! So, I’m going to remedy that issue very soon!

Most recently, I’ve stepped up my cake baking game!!! I’m killin’ it in the kitchen!

I’ll add pics of my latest creations!!! I still have 3 more birthdays coming up! Fingers crossed. It seems like each cake is a bit harder than the last. Probably my own fault….I see it as a challenge, and I’m ready!

 

I will tell you something that I do NOT miss from when I was working before, paying bills!  Ugh…you work 2 long weeks only to get your check and notice that the government has gutted you. Then, you have to pay the utility bills, phone bill, and don’t forget to pay back any money you may have borrowed. The kids need things. ALWAYS!!! I need things, and the girls specifically need more things. Then, there’s household stuff!

Omg! I mean, C’mon!!! Then, if I plan on getting a meal in at work, it has to be something handy and super quick, cause “Ain’t No Breaks”!  So I’m either bringing my Propel water, fruit snacks and chips or I foolishly buy something from work. Meaning, I just got paid, and now I’m giving it right back to them, only to be taxed yet again…..It’s a never-ending circle.
I complain, but it is a lot better having some income, instead of no income at all. So, thank you JESUS for the job.

Now, we’re looking for a new place. That within itself is proving to be a major pain.

We need a place secluded enough for privacy, within close range to work and close enough to stay in the same school district. I’d really like to avoid moving the kids to a different school, yet again, so please send your prayers our way!

I’m gonna sign off for now, with the hope of getting back to you sooner rather than later!

Good night all!

 

Lanie