One thing you should know about me is, I do not forget much. Now, this can be a good thing, but more often than not, it’s bad. I have lived through so much in these 35 years and one thing I have always been able to count on, is my memory. In spite of all the stuff (cough,cough) I did as a teenager, I still remember. I’m realizing now, that having a memory like mine is not all it’s cracked up to be, especially when you’re married. I mean, it’s hard enough being married and making it through the regular trials without remembering everything that was done wrong to me.
I remember it all. Every word, every argument, every hurt feeling, everything.
Add to that, the fact that I’m usually the optimist, I always try to find the good in people and situations. So, when something bad happens, it tends to stick out like a sore thumb.
For the past 6 years, I have been learning how to forgive, but forgetfulness still eludes me. I can forgive till I’m blue in the face. If someone says, “I’m sorry”, I will automatically say, “I forgive you”. If only forgetting was so easy. It’s not, not at all.
I can forgive you for slapping me in the face, if perhaps I’ve said something that you don’t like but I’ll never forget the sting of your hand as it went across my cheek . I can forgive you for lying about being interested in another person but I would never forget the heartache of knowing that you lied to me about it. I can forgive you for purposely insulting me by implying that I would ever be unfaithful, but I would never forget the hate in your eyes as you accuse me. I can forgive you for not trusting me, that all of our children are biologically yours, but I can never forget the way you treated those innocent children because of your distrust. I can forgive you for being insecure and therefore, constantly accusing me of looking for someone else, but I would never forget the guilt and shame you made me feel everyday if I even tried to look nice or I decide to go to work early to be proactive and actually trying to live a normal life. I can forgive you for almost anything but I could never forget the hurt and pain caused by you.
So, I guess what I’m wondering is, have I truly forgiven? I believe so, because I have indeed forgiven you in my heart. God says that I should continue to forgive over and over and over. So what happens, when the hurt, pain and unforgettable memories far outweigh the forgiveness, what is a person to do?
I am, after all, only human.
My feelings should matter and if most of my memories of you are mostly bad memories, when do you walk away?