Month: February 2017
Everyone has a breaking point. Everyone!! No matter how much you love them or they say they love you, there is something they can say or do that will possibly make them leave you.
In a romantic relationship, for some, its cheating. It could also be some form of abuse. With a family relationship, your mom could give to a certain sibling more than she gives to you, or dad may always spend more time with him. Whatever the case may be, there’s always an invisible line you just shouldn’t push or cross. As adults, you should probably take notice to any hints as to what may set your loved one off.
Unless you don’t really give a flying fruit loop….in which case, you may continue to be an a**hole and take the possible butt-kicking you deserve.
On this journey called Life, I have found that I am pretty strong. Mentally, as well as physically. I have also learned that I also have a very soft heart. So, what these realizations have revealed to me, is that while my body can take a licking and keep on ticking(childbirth for example), my heart simply cannot. I am easily hurt.
But….only by those whom I love the most and who are supposed to love me back.
So, for instance, my mom and I didn’t really get along until I was around 30. It was because, for years, starting when I was around 9, I always felt that I was a last priority to her. I was the first-born and the only girl and I knew in my heart, that she wished I hadn’t been born. I won’t get into why I felt this way, those were my feelings then, I’m trying to leave them back there in the past. But, back to my point. The pain I felt from her was horrible and it was mainly because she was my mother and certain things were expected of her.
Now, as a married woman, I expect certain things from my husband. One of those things, is that I expect him not to purposely hurt me. Be it physically, mentally or emotionally. It shouldn’t hurt. You promised me, in front of GOD and my Grandpa George, that you would take care of me, love and cherish me, so you damn well better!!! But….if he doesn’t…When is enough, enough?
The good days should out weigh the bad and my smiles should overshadow any tears.
If the above is not the case, who decides when it’s over, or at the very least, when it’s time for a break? Your mind may tell you to, “Get the heck outta dodge!” But what if your heart says, “Wait, things will get better. He didn’t mean it.” When do you tell your stupid, mushy, head over heels in love heart, to just shut the hell up and run for your life!? I know it has to be a hard decision.
The one and only answer that I’ve found thus far, is that your heart will know. Your heart will know when you’ve had enough. It will know when it’s time for a breather. Whether the “break” will be permanent or not, will depend on that ol’ trusty brain of yours.
So, get out there! Love good and love hard, but when you hear your heart arguing with your brain, take a moment and listen in. It may be trying to save your life.
One thing you should know about me is, I do not forget much. Now, this can be a good thing, but more often than not, it’s bad. I have lived through so much in these 35 years and one thing I have always been able to count on, is my memory. In spite of all the stuff (cough,cough) I did as a teenager, I still remember. I’m realizing now, that having a memory like mine is not all it’s cracked up to be, especially when you’re married. I mean, it’s hard enough being married and making it through the regular trials without remembering everything that was done wrong to me.
I remember it all. Every word, every argument, every hurt feeling, everything.
Add to that, the fact that I’m usually the optimist, I always try to find the good in people and situations. So, when something bad happens, it tends to stick out like a sore thumb.
For the past 6 years, I have been learning how to forgive, but forgetfulness still eludes me. I can forgive till I’m blue in the face. If someone says, “I’m sorry”, I will automatically say, “I forgive you”. If only forgetting was so easy. It’s not, not at all.
I can forgive you for slapping me in the face, if perhaps I’ve said something that you don’t like but I’ll never forget the sting of your hand as it went across my cheek . I can forgive you for lying about being interested in another person but I would never forget the heartache of knowing that you lied to me about it. I can forgive you for purposely insulting me by implying that I would ever be unfaithful, but I would never forget the hate in your eyes as you accuse me. I can forgive you for not trusting me, that all of our children are biologically yours, but I can never forget the way you treated those innocent children because of your distrust. I can forgive you for being insecure and therefore, constantly accusing me of looking for someone else, but I would never forget the guilt and shame you made me feel everyday if I even tried to look nice or I decide to go to work early to be proactive and actually trying to live a normal life. I can forgive you for almost anything but I could never forget the hurt and pain caused by you.
So, I guess what I’m wondering is, have I truly forgiven? I believe so, because I have indeed forgiven you in my heart. God says that I should continue to forgive over and over and over. So what happens, when the hurt, pain and unforgettable memories far outweigh the forgiveness, what is a person to do?
I am, after all, only human.
My feelings should matter and if most of my memories of you are mostly bad memories, when do you walk away?