First off, forgive me. I’ve been totally M.I.A. It’s not you, it’s me. Seriously. I have not been in the writing mood, at all. Not that I don’t have anything to write about, trust me, I have tons to go on and on about. It’s just that the mood has to hit me, like right now. So…to catch up:
And….Happy New Year! I guess.
Okay, so here’s the thing…..I’m not happy, neither does this seem like a “new year. It seems like the same ol’ crap different day. Actually…to quote myself, what I said was,
Happy New Year? Feels more like December 32nd!
That’s truly how I feel. It’s been one confrontation after another. If it’s not me being dizzy or tired(from my medication, no, I’m not expecting), it’s dealing with my husband, who since what I’m now officially calling, THE BIG BANG, has not been the same. Then there’s the kids….my beautiful, sweet, smart and loving children. Their bodies seem to have been invaded by some sarcastic, rolling eyed, talking back creatures from the blue lagoon. Then, trying to be the voice of reason between a teenager and a pre-teen and their dad, who is suffering from a form of PTSD…..let’s just say that I’m pretty sure I ran outta rope somewhere around the 4th of JULY! A massage, long bubbling soak, good book(with no pictures please) and an even better bottle of wine are long overdue. I have a journal that I’ll probably go into more detail about some things…but for now it feels good to just be here, taking my frustrations out on the keyboard.
Nothing prepares you for life.
No matter what school you attend, what parents you get stuck with or what you church you attend(or don’t), life happens and you’ll never be fully prepared for its ups and downs. If someone would’ve told me that my life would be like this right now, I would’ve laughed…or cried, depending on who was telling me. I can’t seem to find my footing. I promise it’s like I was the one to get flung of that motorcycle and I can’t get my feet back underneath me. I’m crawling through life, rolling over speed bumps as they appear. And I do mean appear.
It’s like one moment I can be in complete bliss. Smiling, laughing like the world just may be okay, even though I can’t stand, then it’ll be like BAM!! Someone or something just comes out of nowhere and kicks me while I’m already down. And what hurts the most, is that moving out here to the country, we’re surrounded by nothing but family. His family, but still family all the same. So, it always hurts worse when it’s someone close to you that causes the upset.
My turmoil of feelings does not discriminate.
I don’t know why some people are convinced that children can’t hurt an adult….if it’s your child (grandchild, niece/nephew or sibling for that matter), you’re almost guaranteed a few tears over something they say or do. But…they are children, so I tend to move on from it a lot quicker than if it was say, my husband, mom or mother-in-law.
Those are the big blows. How you can be so careless with your words, especially with someone you’re supposed to have this awesome amount of love for is beyond me. As a writer, I don’t talk too much(Shut up! No I don’t!), but when I do, I think of every word before I say it. I let it play over in my mind for inflection….and I consider how my words will alter my future. I’ve learned that words, once spoken, cannot be unspoken. And, I’m not talking about things said in anger. These words, while hurtful, are said at a time of distress and to me, is understandable. But those other words you say, not hot in battle, but cold and calculated in the winter of an intense conversation…things you just say out of pride…out of some innate sense to just want to hurt the other person. The words you’ve been thinking of for weeks, but didn’t have the guts to bring up in a mature conversation., those are the murderers.
They slowly attack the heart the way they say high blood pressure and diabetes is a silent killer. You may not see it on the outside, but the damage is occurring under the surface. You slowly stop talking. First, in the evil conversation that spawned such hateful words, and then your words die down altogether. Then there’s nothing. No talking, no eye contact, no ….nothing. And then the conductor of that hateful tirade train, wonders, “What have I done?” or “What did I say that was so horrible?” And then….there are the ones the conductors work for. They’re the worst. They have the audacity to think things like, “Forget that!” ” They’ll get over it!” “Shoot, that’s how I see it and you can’t tell me I’m wrong!” Oh, and my favorite(NOT!), “You think I’m crazy? What do I have to apologize for? You shouldn’t do things to make me think like that!”
Point is, I’m emotionally dull right now. I cannot find the excitement to celebrate a new year that feels like the continuation of the previous one. I can’t even pretend to be in a good mood. My smile tells on me. Don’t even get me started on my telling eyes.
But, I will wish everyone else the customary “Happy New Year!” I do wish for everyone’s 2017 to exceed their wishes, hopes and dreams. I pray your 2017 is 100 times better than 2016, mine too. I just can’t make a toast about it right now.
Until next time…..